Calvary Presbyterian Church
120 South Street - Newburgh, New York 12550
- Phone:  (845) 562-8730

"A place of RENEWAL in a RENEWING city."

CHURCH HUMOR

God is like... 

God is like... BAYER ASPIRIN   He works miracles. 
God is like... a FORD   He's got a better idea. 
God is like... COKE   He's the real thing. 
God is like... HALLMARK CARDS   He cares enough to send His very best. 
God is like... TIDE   He gets the stains out that others leave behind. 
God is like... GENERAL ELECTRIC   He brings good things to life.
God is like... SEARS   He has everything.
God is like... ALKA-SELTZER   Try him, you'll like Him. 
God is like... SCOTCH TAPE   You can't see him, but you know He's there. 
God is like... DELTA   He's ready when you are. 
God is like... ALLSTATE   You're in good hands with Him. 
God is like... VO-5 Hair Spray   He holds through all kinds of weather. 
God is like... DIAL SOAP   Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did? 
God is like... the U.S. POST OFFICE   Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep ! Him from His appointed destination

 

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.  His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?". "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up. . . like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." 

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister When I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us." 

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys!"

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said."But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. 

When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. 

She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten
Commandments." answered the lady.

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular
organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! 

Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.

If College Students Wrote The Bible
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold. 
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font. 
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling. 
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates. 
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen. 
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to get it done.

How Do You Get To Heaven?
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class. "NO!" the children all answered. 
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again the answer was, "NO!" 
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again. Once more they all answered, "NO!" 
"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?" 
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!" 

The Children of Israel
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out." 
"What's that, Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"And the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?" 
"Er, right." 
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" 
"Again you're right." 
"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?" 
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?" 
"What were all the grown-ups doing?"

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: (no, these are not the work of Helen!)

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

4. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

6. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

7. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

8. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

.9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all .the help they can get.

10. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

11. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

12. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

13. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.

.14. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"   Come early and listen to our choir practice.

15. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several  new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

.16. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person  you want remembered.

17. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

18. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

19. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

20. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.

21. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

22. Our next song is: "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

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Last modified: June 27, 2011